Living With Loss : Using Good Memories to Heal Grief
By Becky Watkins, M.P.S., C. T.
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For many months after our son’s death, I as stuck with memories of his lengthy illness and dying process. I didn’t realize I was stuck and I guess no one had the heart to tell me. I just needed to tell his story over and over again. It was as if I could not stop reliving that awful time. Then one night at a Bereaved Parents Meeting, the facilitator asked that we close the meeting with each of us sharing a happy or funny memory. What? I panicked. I could not come up with even one. I was so caught up reliving the illness and dying part that I couldn’t get to the good memories. So that became my goal. The next week, I wrote down 25 good/funny memories. It was as if this heavy boulder was lifted off my shoulders. The next week, I wrote down 25 more. It is healing to find the good memories (if there are some) and use them for our own mental health. Here are a few ways that may help us heal by “remembering to remember” all that is good and endearing. 1, Give yourself the best gifts of yesterday. We cannot change the past but we can choose to let go of the pain and find those great photos, tell the funny stories or simply write occasional letters to our loved who has died. Tell them all the things they would want to know and update them about your life. Love leaves behind more than it takes away and love never dies. 2. Give thanks when someone remembers and says their name. I rejoice when someone writes or calls me on David’s birthday or Angle day. Those little things mean a lot to grievers. It is hard to be thankful and sad at the same time because the thankfulness will win out over sadness. 3. Choose to let go of painful or bitter feelings. You may find yourself needing to sort out painful memories or family tensions or childhood problems involving the one who died. Letting go of old hurt is such a freedom. It may require some time, support group work or even professional assistance but it is [possible to let the feelings emerge, come face to face with them and then let them go. 4. Reinvest in life. No one wants to hear this right after a major loss but there is a reason we are here. Trust the process! Love those we are placed on this earth to love. Be in the present moment and relish being alive. Life is a gift, after all.
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