The first year or so after the loss of my son and my Mom, I had this little voice in my head and it said things like, "If only you had taken him to a different doctor, he might have lived longer." Or "if your Mom had received heart meds she wouldn't have died."

I have seen people almost lose their minds doing the "if onlys" in their heads. If only I could have told her I loved her, if only I had listened, if only we had not had that fight, if only I hadn't bought him that new motorcycle, and it goes on and on. I have a friend who says, "You can ‘IF IT’ to death but it won't change a thing."

I knew I was healing when I stopped the incessant "if only" head talk. It is hard to lay it down or put it aside. We live in a "fix it" society. We want to fix it no matter what. Have you seen the commercial where there is a can of EASY left over? It is hilarious but a cautionary tale. A little girl is sitting on the couch with her dead goldfish in a bowl. The father asks the man with the can of easy if he can fix that. After being sprayed, the goldfish disappears and in the child's lap, much to her joy and delight is a puppy! Don't you wish you had a can of easy sometimes?

Our sorrow reminds us that life is not meant to be "fixed". We want to avoid pain but if we are fully engaged in life and love people, dogs, goldfish and others, we cannot avoid the pain of loss. It is risky to love that which is by nature impermanent. But most of us accept the risk of hurting in order to love and love deeply.

What helps the "if onlys?"

"Thought Stopping" is a way of coping with intrusive "if onlys". You may feel as if your mind paces around and around the problem in a circular pattern of thinking that never allows you to arrive at a solution. It feels like being on a hamster wheel going nowhere really fast. It is important to remind ourselves that we are in charge of the mind and we can say to ourselves STOP and shift our attention to issues we can resolve.

"Talk Stopping" is akin to thought stopping. This becomes an effective tool in families that talk and talk about an issue but never agree to a solution. We have to let go of the illusion that we can solve every problem. We cannot change circumstances over which we have no control. We can't work miracles. But God can. One of my favorite reminders to myself is to
LET GOD BE GOD. It is a big relief!

You can contact Becky Watkins at the following e-mail address: becky.watkins@christushealth.org