I remember back six years ago when our son died.  It felt like the end of the world at the time.  I wondered how I could go on living.  It was as if there was a thick fog in my brain and I couldn’t process what people were saying to me.  I felt their love and care and concern and could see in their faces but nothing was getting through the pain.  The “why?” question kept me stick for a while and kept repeating in my head with no satisfying answer.  And then something shifted.  At some point I stopped asking “why?”  I was exhausted in every way from asking and I was becoming biter with God. It wasn’t a sudden shift but the “why?” question became, “What now?”  That was a big turning point in my grief and in my faith. It is when I started to see hope and healing in my grief journey.
How to we relinquish the “Why?”

There is a good book called, “GRIEF COUNSELING AND GRIEF THERAPY by William Worden.  It was required reading for me in school and it taught me so much about my own process.  Worden claims there are four major taks for grievers.

One: ACCEPT THE REALITY OF THE LOSS. This can take a long time in sudden/shocking death.  It is not unusual for it to take 3-5 years. Great patience is needed.

Two:  TO WORK THROUGH THE PAIN OF GRIEF.  It is essential to feel the pain of loss.  So many try to by-pass this pain with alcohol, drugs, overeating, constant busy-ness, etc.  If you are strong enough to really feel the pain, there will be healing gifts that pain will bring, just like healing a deep wound.  

Three:  TO ADJUST TO AN ENVIRONMENT OF GRIEF.  That takes a long time and the length is different for everyone. I still miss him but I can go into his room and not feel emotional shock waves.  I can give away his things to friends and family and it feels okay.  I can use his room for other purposes and tha is how I know I am healing.

Four: TO EMOTIONALLY RELOCATE THE DECREASED:  Moving on with life is probably the hardest task of all. And yet, the way to honor your person’s life is to live your own.  Hope and healing are then possible.

Next Month: LIVING WITH LOSS:

You can contact Becky Watkins at the following e-mail address: becky.watkins@christushealth.org