I am dreading the election campaigns because they mean polls and surveys.  They really don’t mean a thing.  I say that because during my years as editor of a newspaper, I was a consultant to a public opinion firm.  What they wanted from me were questions to ask to get the information their client hired them to provide.  People are hired to asked questions without any training at all, just to try to get people to say what their opinion really is about politicians, products and public issues.  Note: I said try.

Even the most reputable public opinion firms hedge their results with a plus or minis score. There are so many variables that it boggles the mind.  A telephone survey can produce any result desired. Depending on who’s calling, who’s called, their age, job and income, how the questions are phrased, scored and a myriad of other factors.  You already know where I am going with this, don’t you?

I am usually entertained by pollsters because it is obvious they have been given a script and just ask the question.  If someone says anything other than yes or no, they simply record it as a “Don’t Know”. Which, of course, throws the entire survey wonky.  

 For some perverse reason, I am often “chosen at random” especially during the months preceding an election. Recently I was called by a man with a pronounced accent that led me to believe he was from another planet.  He pronounced all Ws as Vs, all Vs as Bs and all other letters of the alphabet as something else entirely.  It made for difficult but stimulating conversation.

“Goot Ebenink,” he intoned pleasantly.  “Yuh  ‘ave ban zelected hat randome fahr eh sewervay.”   I thought I have to know what he is trying to find out so I asked, “A sewervay about what?”  It went downhill from there.

“About Prezidaunt Obama,” he said.  “Vat ige wud yuh be?” I smiled and said,  “What are my choices?” A dead silence greeted that response.  Finally I said, “I’d like to be 25.”  He said, “Hokay.”

“What does my age have to do with it?” I asked. “Older people have different opinions on some issues than younger people, but on others age makes no difference.”

He said, “Hi donno.  Hi joost hask kevestion.” En yore upinion, on a skal uf von to tan, duh yuh tink the Prezidaunt is doing a goot  jobe?”  Again I said, “I can’t answer yes or no because I don’t know in what area you want me to make an assessment. My answer would be quite different depending on which job you mean.””

“Pliz joost zay zomthink – von to tan.”  I thought for a moment and said, “I can’t zay von or tan because that question is loaded and no matter which answer I give it will not be factual.  Surely you want your survey results to be accurate?”

He sighed, “Ah’ll joost chick ze spaz for donno, hokay?”  “Hokay,’ I said.

Clearly relieved to be out of that quagmire he said, “Duh yuh happroove  uf ze national healt’ progam? Joost zay von tuh tan.”  How can anyone rate such an important program in that way?  “Sorry, I can’t give you an answer because that question lacks specificity." I replied. He said wearily, “Hi’ll chick noomber fif – is zame as donno”    I said, “Fif is good.”

“Duh yuh tink de Tea Party ez gud fuh Democrat or Repooblecan?” I just couldn’t resist.  “I have known both Democrats and Republicans to enjoy a tea party. Even independents have an enjoyable time at a tea party. How can anyone possibly know who has a better time?”

“Hi don’zay vat or veech.  Vy don’ yuh peek vun or ae uzzer, pliz?”  He said sadly.  “No”, I said. “Neither will do.  I’m afraid what he have here is another donno.”

“Ve gettink near ze hend uf ze keveshuns, only vun more. Duh yuh vote Democrat or Repooblican?”  I replied, “Both.”

“Lidy, is not pozzible tuh vote zat vay.  Muz be vun or ze uzzer,” he declared.  I said "I begged to differ because I had voted for both Democratic and Republican candidates – in separate elections, of course."

After a brief pause, he said, “Lidy, pliz anzer me zeez keveshun, - not on sewervay.  Do yuh ever zay yas or nah to anything?”

“Well, yas and nah. Look, don’t try to understand it .  Probably no one else will say exactly what they mean or mean exactly what they say."

“Lidy, Hi ‘ave call more zan 250 pipple and yuh are ze only vun who keveshuns the keveshuns.  Ziz iz no vay to take uh sewervay.”

I said,  “You can zay zat again.”